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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 14, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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ng un. if your answer to all those three are no then are you better off than the peopleed by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's 11:29 and 59 seconds this happened on instagram. singer miley cyrus made headlines for another thing that has nothing to do with her singing, billy ray cyrus daughter did a nude photo shot for the aptly titled v magazine. there it is. your move taylor. to be ail to see her v magazine if not for america's seemingly arbitrary censorship roles, why does this picture have to be blurred when i can show this pik i posted on
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instagram full nipple, don't worry about what was happening here. don't worry about it. it was a phase. all right. i went through what i called the mellon balling phase don't worry about it. but it raises a question of why is the nipple the line of demarcation for a woman to put a picture yen line. is it because it's the most functional part? is this why, is this why it's okay to show men's nipples because they serve no purpose? maybe this is why cars have engines under hoods. i don't know why, but it seams like americans are afraid of functionality is so while we's at it let's blow out eye, nose mouth anything functional. by the way i want to say nirntionels are not the enemy in the world people! they're just not! (cheers and applause) all right. isis is the enemy. they're using children to [bleep] murder people. they're a much bigger things going on in the rest of the world. by the way we spend
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valuable legal process and mental energy trying to put human pupilla in legal protection. we are to the going to forget about tits. i still notice them. people still notice them. there's nothing wrong with this. (applause) >> showing tits is not pornographic. showing something jizing on to your tits is pornographic. and by the way are we-- women want to put their boo b's on the internet and we're fighting that? wt blooep wlooep this is a golden age! do you know-- listen, when i was a kid if you wanted to see tits on the internet, you had to make them out of of-- there was no way to do it otherwise. what am i supposed to tell pie kids if they see miley's boobies. first off stop using your mouth to breathe through and shove hot wings in, and use it have a discussion about healthy sexuality with them. hey, kids mommies mam ary glands are different from daddies they are beautiful and a part of nature and
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unlike daddies they actually serve a purpose that helps foster life. then you tell your kids you love them, tuck them in bed and you grow the [bleep] up and try to establish significance some other way than stirring up pointless [bleep]. i'm so mad! this is so stupid. also, i have been talking way too long. but i also feel sorry for you because some asshole hadn't made you ashamed of your body you wouldn't teach your children they should be ashamed of theirs. now i want to protest, all right. so comedians what are some things that we can do to protest nipple censorship. rob rig el, go. >> a million nipple march. >> yeah. >> perfect. >> preferably in february. >> yeah february. >> really make it stand out. >> nick swardson. >> i'm hung like a nipple so blur my dick pic. >> okay. since we're already doing --
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>> i like that. >> that was an awesome rant for boo b's. >> oh, thank you. i've got one that is february but its februaryola. it is time to start @midnight at 11:30. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to @midnight at 11:30. i'm chris hardwick tonight's comedians are actor comedian purveyor of loaded vodka life is loaded.com lob riggle! (cheers and applause) and performing at the republic in honolulu january 16th and 17th it's nick swardson. (cheers and applause) comedy special paid regular premiers on this network friday night here sis series this is not happening follows our show thursday beginning january 22nd ari
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shaffir. >> thank you. (applause) >> thank you, everyone. >> ripped from today's internethead lines it's rapid refresh. the national debate on marijuana legallization continued today when uninvestigative journalist nancy grace had noted pot scholar 2 chainz on to discuss the issue. the her indig nags is video of a man giving pot to her child. but professor 2 chainz shut that down. >> some people actually love their child. some people know this is obviously wrong. so this is nothing to really argue about. these people are imbessells. >> well put dr. chainz. although your argument that pot does not lead to bad decisions is undermined by your choice to wear a navajo christmas jacket. (applause) but that's about as bad as it gets. with regard to the weed.
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nancy had other rebuttals in her arsenal of outrage including 2 chainz's own lyrics. >> california weed with california whores. true i left that one out. -- (applause) >> first of all -- >> the hill aruous thing is not only are they diametrically opposed on the issue they are literally on opposite sides of every spectrum. they are complete opposites. 2 chainz looks like he came from friendship bracelet night in the alaska fa store in tucson and nancy grace looks like she's trying to escape the phantom zone from superman 2. the problem is nancy grace is saying because one stoner got his kid high that all stoners get their kids high. so use one example to represent an entire community. it's about as [bleep] as saying that all blonds try to eck ploit the kidnapping death and abuse of children for ratings and retweets. oh!
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[bleep] what? but that's how nancy grace would justify that. so coldians-- dead baby in car was the hashtag. nobody jumps on that one. >> the dead baby tweets, i didn't realize there was hashtag. >> using nancy's logic please make a generalization about a whole group based on one individual, rob riggle go. >> all hux tables like to take long naps. (cheers and applause) >> i means that's how nancy would see it. >> tonight for the hashtag wars. >> oscar nominations are oscar nos will be announced tomorrow morning and you know what that means big honors big snubs and a big part of america going the [bleep] are these movies?
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what about transformers. those are the razzies, but in honor hollywood he a biggest day we're sizing up the hashtag war with bigger stars. bigger stars. (cheers and applause) >> samuel xxxl jackson or dwayne the boulder johnson or arianna venti. (applause) >> it's a thinker. it's not a thinker. i will put 60 seconds on the clock and go. >> dr. martin luther king size. >> points. >> obese witherspoon. >> arbelly. >> rob riggle to get into these jeans. >> points. >> nick. >> fat damon. >> okay. >> girth brooks.
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>> really huge jackman. >> michael eaton. >> six pack shakur. >> harrison can't fit in a ford. >> yeah, points. this that is the end of the #wars bigger stars tag them @midnight to keep game going. right back with more @midnight at 11:30. our tweet of day from last night was sent to us by@marcellacomedy. well done.
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>> welcome back to aad hit night at 1:3. we announced this week on twitter a casting call to see if our viewers have the comedy chops to compete on odd hit-- @midnight. we asked you to use the hashtag point me. we have already received thousands of submissions including@sunburned all bina with this. >> it's 11:a 59 and 59 seconds so tell me girl you up? >> hashtag wars i'm at the top of pie game. if you are's gonea quell
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points it will follow my name. >> well, game on. the gauntlet has been thrown down and blasted over a nasty beat. tag all your best jokes with #points if you think you have got the goods. competing for thousands and thousands of fake points with these guys. >> right now it's time to play stairway to stardom. stairway to stardom. tearway to stardom was a real thing aired during the '70s 80s and 90s. some of the most up and coming entertainers of the time. unfortunate leigh newspaper of these performers became stars, creating a youtube page to give them the internet fame they so richly deserved over the years. >> stairway for 250 points tell me what they're doing
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today, all right? >> joey marlowe joey marlowe. >> (applause) this is obviously the guy who invented the running man. >> rob? >> he is currently the grand pumba of the lemon party. >> okay. i'm going to be-- i want to be as serious as i can be. do not google lemon -- >> horwitz inspector horwitz inspector. >> hot pass trami and salami. mocha and-- ♪ ♪.
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>> did they win? was it a contest? did they win? they were even singing the same song. that was-- it was oates and oates before hall and oates. >> points. >> last one dante. >> my hand ♪ ♪ and what this lap ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> you know what? he committed, nick. >> tupac -- >> points.
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>> that is the end of tearway to stardom. it's time for our next game tatscrewed musical edition. a tattoo of your fairity band is always a great idea. your smash mouth tat seems silly now but they are due for a company back it will come back around. i will give you two options for band based tats that have gone viral. tell me which one is real. first one, a drake forehead tattoo or salt-n-pepa eyelid tattoos? >> nick. >> salt and pepa eyelid tattoo. >> you don't think so. >> hell no. >> you think it is the other one. >> obvious leigh. >> i will tell you what if it. >> one grand right now. >> woe whoa this has escalated qlooik all right f nick is rate you will get the points, if it is drake then ari gets the points. >> drake! ari gets the points.
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>> [bleep] tonight. >> a chest tattoo with data matthew-- dave faith u bands as elf or hanson back tattoo when they look like demons. >> please let it be a hanson back tattoo. >> it has got to be that one. >> hanson, hanson, hanson. hanson! >> we did it! we did it! [bleep] we did it. >> we are alive! >>s that's the end of tatscrewed musical edition. our live challenge. pushing notification. pushing notification. my fitness pal is an app
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that reminded you to ple tend to stay it shape helps you count calories and sends messages and notification like telling you to exercise or stop eating three sheet cakes. one redditor had a falling out with the fitnesspal because it apparently sent him this notification. seems like these reminders aren't helpful. we're going it to turn them off. >> what? when does a notification take a cyanide pill for you nothing like a pass of a gressive fitness pal to make you feel terrible about yourself. send another passive-aggressive notification from my fitness pal. we'll get the answers after the break. more@mid-- @midnight at 11:30.
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huh, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
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yeah, everybody knows that. well, did you know that playing cards with kenny rogers gets old pretty fast? ♪ you got to know when to hold'em. ♪ ♪ know when to fold 'em. ♪ ♪ know when to walk away. ♪ ♪ know when to run. ♪ ♪ you never count your money, ♪ ♪ when you're sitting at the ta...♪ what? you get it? i get the gist yeah. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. ♪ ♪
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taxes are your year, only much simpler. you can handle simpler. intuit turbotax. it's amazing what you're capable of. apples are good. as strongbow hard cider, better. but strongbow over ice is the best. enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. ♪ strongbow, world's number one hard cider. (cheers and applause) >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you this my fitness pal app doing an ampreg of a disappointed gaidance counselor and asked to you write another passive-aggressive notification that this frustrated app might send.
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let's see what you wrote. nikki swardson. >> looking forward to your next rap album. you have 99 problems from diabetes dog. >> robert riggle. >> hey, fat bucket good luck at your reunion lol. >> all right. ari shaffir. >> you might want to recommend my fitness pal to your friends so they are strong enough to be your pal bearers. >> i think i got to do thousand points to ari 500 to nick and rob as we go to our next game get a life event. get a life event. >> if you need constant validation and love to overshare than one of us will tell you it's probably old news. faceback has a feature that
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allows you to post life events. originally things like it is now a relationship or got a new job. but in a desperate attempt to remain relevant they expanded to removed braces and started a new hobby and even worse, create your own. so that is what this guy did who became excruciatingly attractive, huh? look at that. excruciatingly attractive. >> so much it's painful. comediansing tell me some more even useless life events. 60 second on the clock and begin. >> just took a stink-free dump. >> points. >> never happened. >> january 1st just watched the balls drop in my mouth. >> rob. >> mustache complete. >> points. >> nick. >> just buried the body. don't tell anybody. >> points. >> rob. >> just set another hitchhiker free. >> points.
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>> the gateway from pot to meth. >> called jerking it. >> points. >> all right. it's not herpes, it is a tear in my penis. >> that's it. >> that's the end of get a life event. i see that nick-- we must eliminate you. i know. dow have any-- kill him slam kill him. >> no. did anybody ever fall and say i will go out first so you can see him. >> no. >> are you going to do it first [bleep]. >> that means it's time to cadbury the lead it's for the win. it's for the win. >> a recipe for disaster remember how coca-cola tried new coke and went bankrupt
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and now they are like we're like rc colo-- icala remember that. just in time for easter the cadbury people for some reason are changing the recipe for their legendary creme eggs which every area they trick me every year with a cadbury egg. i'm like these are the best things ever. i'm going to die. for years and years people have been enjoying the disgusting white and yellow peep embryo encased in a milk chocolate shell but now it will be slightly different and predictably the internet is appalled because people don't like change. take twitter user@tweetapparition who said no no cadbury, no why this again no, no hell no, no no. so comedians save the recipe of another famous product to make it better and give us a line, we will name a winner when we come back on @midnight at
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♪ where's my little boy? i miss him so. ♪ who's this man, living in our home? ♪ my special guy has turned into a man. ♪ at least he won't be livin' in ♪ the driveway in a van. ♪ old spice has sprayed a man of our boy. ♪ just let him go
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♪ he needs his toys ♪ i can't stop crying ♪ tears of joy ♪ old spice has sprayed a man of our boy. ♪ introducing data stash. now at t-mobile, all your unused data rolls forward to the next month. we'll even get you started with 10 gigabytes of free 4g lte data.@@ data stash. only from t-mobile.
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11:30. >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i will wap these dors clean wipe, wipe wipe wipe. i'm going to read the answer as loud and you guys get to decide the winner before the break. i asked you to change the recipe of a famous product to make it better and give us a line to sell it. let's see you what came up with. first one mcrib, now available without a prescription, ask your doctor if mcrib is right for you. (applause) >> or or pork fried rice crispy treats you will like that, your old friend my fitness pal, number two is the winner.
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ari shaffir. you be the fun quest person in the world for the next 23.5 hours thank you. see you tomorrow our guests are whitny comings david koechner and jeff ross. until then, tweet @midnight with your hashtag bigger stars become tomorrow's tweet of the day. good night - ooh, hey. - hey. - hollywood's biggest night, huh? - mm-hmm. - what'd you put down for best foreign? - you know me, man. just put down the danish one trying to keep it scandinavian, so. - oh, man, i hope tonight tops last year because i really feel that it was just a bunch of people, like, i dunno sucking each other off, really. - yeah. - on the red carpet. - it kinda was. - yeah, it was like one big circle jerk, right? - yep. - ooh, adam, adam, it's starting! it's starting! - who's hungry? [laughter] - all right, that looks great. - tittay. - welcome to the avn award show where we honor the best in adult entertainment. - who do you guys got for best mmf-dp-atm? - um... - who did
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